you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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