why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
