I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
