I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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