Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
