i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize