i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
