My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
