Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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