Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
