ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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