Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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