I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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