Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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