I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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