My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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