i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
