I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I can't turn off my feet"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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