I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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