A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
