Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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