i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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