I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
God I need to hump something, right now.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
