I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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