I think im going to throw up on grandma
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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