I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
