Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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