Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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