My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
