piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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