I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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