I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
