Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
