dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
