Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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