He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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