Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize