i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize