I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I want to make a zoo with you.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
