I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
