I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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