the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
