making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This baby is an asshole
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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