thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
