You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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