Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
