Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
