She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
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