Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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