In the future we'll all be gay
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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