Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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