I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize