i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
