he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
this hospital has no fireball
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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