I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
