Don't EVER smell your tampon
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
