Please, let me fuck your mom
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
